Growing Up A Little Late May 27, 2008

Something over dinner with a girlfriend today is itching my head this moment. We happened to talk about the past and I surprise myself. Evidently there are still things I haven’t gotten over with no matter the passing of years. And it disturbs me to be reminded that somewhere in me is a secret wound which never did truly disappear as I discovered today. It’s been what eight, nine years now?

Maybe it was my mistake to have put someone up on a pedestal. Maybe I should have been reminded then that despite the admiration or respect I have for a person, he/she too is human. Maybe I should not have forgotten then not to put such an unreserved, naive trust to a person because you might be bound for disappointments. Both big and small. Well, one day he fell off the pedestal. It was an ugly fall. And unfortunately left craters of varied sizes on many individuals’ experience.

I think till now I haven’t stopped feeling betrayed and hurt. There are still questions I have without answers and reconciliation to be made. Hmmm. Well, like I said today I was reminded of the past. How is he doing right now? How is his family doing? Do they miss our friendship and our old circle of friends? Was I right to shun them for letting me down? Do I have the right to expect an apology? Can I learn how to forgive (even without his/her knowledge) and move on? 

Even with my ever-climbing age, I still feel a little behind on a lot of things especially those concerning people. If I did I probably knew how to buffer myself from unrealistic expectations of people especially those close to me. Perhaps there are vital things I should know now but will only reach me five years later. That’s growing up a little late. But in the mean time, I should keep in mind that people make mistakes and I should give them some space for growth just as I too need mine.

Kini – Rossa May 26, 2008

This is my type of songs lately. Well, while doing my translation that is :) Been very busy so no time to update yet. Bah, enjoy the song.

Glad that… May 16, 2008

1.  It’s Sabbath. Half of my brain will be at ease.

2.  The English classes with the Czech man is over. (Note to self: Should make a point to take up a few English courses myself.)

3.  I can now concentrate on my translation project. At least that would be my pocket money upon arrival in the land of the holy cows.

4.  My crazy teaching schedule would soon come to an end.

5.  The wires with D are reconnecting.

6.  My preparation for the next transition is moving smoothly.

7.  God is God. He said, “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Special Thought May 9, 2008

Dear D, may God be close to you as you mourn your lose.

This Too Shall Pass
Helen Steiner Rice

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

 

My Day in 5 May 5, 2008

1.  I need a good pair of walking shoes/sandals! Did a lot of walking this morning hunting for a particular item at the mall, then visiting the bank across the street, and helping Ma with her passport renewal (public parking space at the Immigration Dept isn’t what you would consider ample; not left with not much choice but to park at a distance). Bunions getting crankier.

2.  My skin allergy is back. I’ve been consuming too much chicken the past few days. Argggh! Must make a point to cut down on meat-eating. From once in a few days to once a week, then to once a month, to once a year, then to once in a lifetime… Aiyah. Might as well be a vegetarian (again!) soon.

3.  Realised having a credit card is more evil than having money itself. I received my Credit Card Statement from the previous month and felt very overwhelmed with another possible credit beyond my temper thanks to “generousity” of my supplementary card user. Folks, you can avoid domestic war with the simple rule of thumb – no supplementary card. Actually, better yet, no credit card at all.

4.  Consciously conscious of my thought pattern. Which signals to the bigger pattern which is life itself. And I’m consciously conscious that these thought patterns translated into speech, behaviour, attires, work etc are enough to tell anyone (who watches closely enough) what type of person I am. Which is not exactly a bad thing. But imagine the weaknesses that are known to you (or not) might be also known to others given the time and diligence of the observation. All those possible manipulation, humiliation, rejection… Makes me wanna hide in my room all day long :)

5. Starting to pack for tomorrow’s trip. Will screw up my teaching schedule for the next three days. Hopefully not the flight schedule again though. Heeh.

To summarise. I need HOPE.