Summer has long gone and the dust at my feet is getting lighter and yet thicker. The sky has stopped crying long back and the air feels arid on the skin. Physically I didn’t travel anywhere far but my mind seems as if it has travelled miles and miles away from “home”. I’m tired, mentally, and I long for a rest. I don’t want to think beyond today and now, unless it is a matter of life and death. Heh, by luck such propositions have not come my way so far. But even if I am faced with such a situation, I know I’m weak enough to let my knees crumble to the ground instead of continuing to walk on. Aaaah… depressing thoughts exiting from parched lips. Don’t fret for me, please. They’re empty thoughts passing through the empty hallways of my head. Truthfully, I’m just swamped – which is the usual case when the end of the semester is in sight. My words get warped with darken emotions that shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Let me just say and then let me go. I’ll be back again. I’ll be back.

There is just so much things to say but I don’t know where to start and I don’t have much time either.

Will be having mid-semester exam next week and I haven’t been frequenting the net for the past three weeks because my service provider decided to be a jackass. Hopefully it be reconnected sometime this week.

Well, life doesn’t suck after all. It shines and I won’t be looking at the shadows behind me any longer. There is hope for the weary and there is hope for all :)

Ban from entering the college premise is extended till Monday. Administration will wait direction from the government whether to resume classes or to close further by then.

I’ve been enjoying the last few days like a dormant virus myself. I went out only when necessary. The stay-home meant I could catch up on reading as well. I’m not complaining about the “break” from busy schedule but frankly, can they afford to disrupt studies for say two-three weeks or more? I wish the vaccine is out so people don’t have to fear being out there in the open. Community living is so crippled especially with the panic and hype created by the media. It’s true that swine flu will cause death (for at-risk people) but it is also curable if there is early intervention/medication.

Anyway. I’m just writing off my head. Maybe feeling frustrated and hopeless at the same time about the whole situation. I should just be thankful that I’m healthy.

Well, what do you know. The schools and colleges ARE closed for a week. Heeh! The government issued the notice after two more deaths were recorded in the city on Monday. I did a check on the news from home and found that the number of death is way much higher over there than here. And schools are closed only for those with H1N1 cases.

The swine flu has got people living at the edge of the seat. More masked faces like that of surgeons are seen in the streets. But frankly, the masks that they are wearing only protects them from the dust and flying particles – not from viruses. People are still spitting here and there freely. I went to the campus today hoping to get some work done. Well, I got stopped at the gate and noticed a big sign there: “No outsiders and day scholars are allowed to enter until Friday, August 14″. The security guards told me the same when I told them I had to see someone on campus urgently (I was lying). I made a few phone calls and saw that the boys from the hostel were permitted to walk in and out without questions. What the heck with the discrepancy! If they really want to play it safe and fair they shouldn’t allow just anyone to come out also. Shessh.

Anyway. I walked back to the apartment slightly dejected. It wasn’t a big deal. But the flu has me isolated from people on campus. Sigh. I can imagine now how worse the feeling is for patients who are in the isolation ward. No visitors, no outdoors. Just medicines, white walls to stare at, nurses/doctors all masked up and probably make you feel more sick than healthier.

Well, there is always hope in desolation. I don’t know if prevention is enough to ward sickness. But everyone should boost their immune system by making sure they’re at the top of their health – eat healthily (go vegetarian if you need to), drink enough water, get enough rest, avoid alcohol/cigarettes, maintain hygienic habits, etc.

As for me, I’m happy staying indoors for now. Plenty of books to eat.

… cried the virus in Pune and within one week three people died.

As of today – to quote the local newspaper, The Times of India – there are 205 positive cases of swine flu in the city. Everyday the number of cases increases and the media makes no reservation in reporting the news at the top of its voice. Despite the government’s claim that the virus is under control, you can’t stop people from afraid. I see more and more people wearing masks everyday everywhere. I hope the pandemic is also teaching people to mind their hygiene better.

Well, schools will remain close for another week (but not most colleges/universities). So far, the only danger on campus are rumours that some boys in the hostel caught the virus. I still hear conflicting stories actually. Anyways, I can’t wish for bad things to happen but seriously, if I could have one unofficial week of break from college I’ll dance on the streets with nothing on but a mask. (Ha!) I seriously need time with reading and research.

Other than that everything is OK. The week went by OK. Met a few more new people, went to listen to a local jazz band, cooked lunch for a male friend, took more pictures, experimented with possibilites and ignored what-if’s. I guess I’m at peace for now – with or without the flu.

Anyway. I’ll go and continue my reading. In the meantime, avoid crowded places. Wash your hands often. And wear a mask if in doubt of the air you breathe in.

Hmmm. Maybe it is possible to do everything that one wants or needs to do with the time given at hand… And it’s not about wanting to be a firewoman, a mayor and  a ballet dancer all at the same time. It’s about getting things done within the timeframe given. It’s about being realistic with your own capabilities and making sure you follow through with what you say you’ll do. It’s sad but my sole enemy right now is my own mind. I had  a list of things to do yesterday. Sad to say, I only managed to do one item off the list. It wasn’t even “1. Build a boat” … It was a mere 200-word write-up! Freak!

I can only reflect now that I’ve let certain habits of the mind to take root and now I’m struggling with meeting deadlines. Not only that, I feel I’ve been very lazy with what little I know. Instead of improving step by step, I become complacent with what meager tools of mind I possess. Why? isn’t the right question right now but How?. I’m thankful that there is always someone or something that reminds me that I can be better. Truly there is no satisfaction in doing things without giving the best. It only undermines confidence in yourself in the end.

1. It’s 9:38PM. I’m alone with my alone-ness. It’s self-consuming and a bit scary.

2. This morning I woke up 5:30AM. My first really early morning in 3-4 months. Hmm. Actually I was woken up by another peculiar dream involving a boy who’s gonna leave me, Botak Chin gangster invading my area, and then me returning to my old room at SAUC. I’m disturbed at the fact that I get easily disturbed by a dream.

3. I realized afterward that I do miss spending time with 5AM’s. He doesn’t speak a word. He allows me to think of higher plains even yonder. I get rejuvenated without lifting a finger.

4. I’m laughing at myself. It’s not only men that I’m afraid of sometimes. But girls as well!

5. Once again, I’m kindled by poetry, prose, poems and poets. Although on the average I have no clues as to what they’re made of and what to make of their prettily arranged words, but I think I’ll make the investment even if the return is 0.01%.

6. There are two reading reports to be made by tonight. I will give myself 30 minutes and then sail away to slumber land.

7. I should be writing less nonsense at this age :)

So sad. July is almost finishing and still no marks on the calendar indicating an entry.

I should write more often. Like most of you, my brain is also tickled every now and then by an incident, an event, a person, and words said or heard that made an impression. Unfortunately, most often I rather keep my thoughts and reactions to myself thinking that perhaps I’ll save it for my next blog entry. Sadly, they didn’t even make it to my personal journal. Why this slackening spirit when it comes to writing? It’s like not being bothered to show a facial expression (at least!) when someone smiles at you, or acknowledges you as you walk pass. Sigh.

But seriously, I’m ravished by so many things right now. Every week at least two reading reports from books that are as heavy as a sack of potatoes. Then at least three times a week piano students to guide or gobble up. There are other extra-curricular including writing, making music and taking photos mostly for the college. Well, this isn’t a lament or a complain. These are all opportunities to grow… And I’m happy to be occupied this way.

Anyway, lemme stop here for now. I’ll try not to prolong the silence next time. But if the silence is way too long, it’s perhaps I am still in existence except in another form :P For my Sabahan friends, think of me once a while kio! I have you in my thoughts each time I access whanita.wordpress.com.

1. Classes begin today and I’m taking 14 hours load this semester. This time I can’t avoid not taking Mr. Pink Love’s classes. I was waiting to hear news of his retirement last December but it never came through. Snort! Somehow hearing all the crazy things he made students do (including standing up on benches for not answering questions to his satisfaction) makes me resent him even before attending his classes.

2. I lack sleep. Last night I went to bed at 11:30 and realizing two hours later that I was still blinking in the dark. And I thought I was dreaming I wasn’t able to sleep. Some days insomnia hits like a freak snowfall in June.

3. Ponder, ponder: If two people are mutually using each other, then there shouldn’t be any pain right?

4. My piano students inspire me to be a better teacher.

5. When will I find a good topic for my educational research paper aahhh? The consequence of upholding others first, you second. Sigh.

6. I need to slash time spent daily on Lexulous, the internet in general, Minesweeper and daydreaming.

The new semester started officially last Friday when we had our orientation day. Seriously, it was deadening to be sitting two hours listening to predictable speeches and announcements. But for the sake of the new students (that are quiet many this semester) procedures are procedures. Then the rest of the half day I spent time idling away eating, shopping and surfing. I don’t know if I have this luxury when classes begin on the 29th. I don’t yet know the line up of my subjects but I definitely have my thesis to worry about. Which I haven’t started.

In other news, it rained again yesterday. It smelt soooo good. Oh, this time the rain didn’t attack our windows as brutally as before. Still, I covered the outer window grills with plastic bin bags to protect from possible horizontal downpour into the apartment. I think I can rest assuringly now…

Well, I better rush off to the college for some pre-registration businesses. I would like to update this blog as often as possible but  just can’t hold my butt down long enough to think and write something decent. Bah, have a good week.